And therefore . . .

Proofs That Homeopathy Works!

THE CONSPIRACY THEORY ARGUMENT
1) Anyone who doesn't like homeopathy is clearly in the pay of Big Pharma.
2) The fact that Big Pharma also makes homeopathy pills is neither here nor there.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

THE CHERRY PICKING ARGUMENT
1) Some quotes support homeopathy.
2) The skeptics say not if you read them properly, but that's just twisting things.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

THE CHERRY PICKING ARGUMENT (2)
1) Some scientific papers find that homeopathy does work.
2) Others find it doesn't.
3) The skeptics claim that #2 are the better ones, because they have better methodology.
4) Yeah, but they were funded/invented by Big Pharma.
5) Therefore, homeopathy works.

THE "HOLISTIC" ARGUMENT
1) Homeopathy treats the cause, not the symptoms.
2) The very principle of homeopathy is to find an ingredient that mimicks the symptoms. But the same symptoms can mean a host of different things. For example, a headache may mean tense muscles, eye strain, or meningitis.
3) But homeopathy is holistic.
4) And you just don't understand homeopathy.
5) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPREHENSIBILITY
1) Quantum physics is weird.
2) I don't understand it, and surely you don't either.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

THE CONSUMER CHOICE ARGUMENT
1) For Boots to remove homeopathic products from the shelves is to attack consumer choice and deny us our freedom.
2) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM NECESSARY OPPOSITES (1)
1) There are problems associated with conventional medicine.
2) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM NECESSARY OPPOSITES (2)
1) Homeopathy doesn't cause side-effects like conventional medicine.
2) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM NECESSARY OPPOSITES (3)
1) A doctor once misdiagnosed my head cold/food allergy/weird wart on my finger.
2) This was disgraceful. I pay his wages. I will never go to a doctor again.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM NECESSARY OPPOSITES (4)
1) When I was 13 a doctor was mean to me and dismissive of my headache/period pains/splinter.
2) See #2, above.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

THE MYSTICAL ARGUMENT
1) You don't understand how homeopathy works, which only goes to show how ignorant you are.
2) I don't understand how homeopathy works, which only goes to show the mysteries of science and the life-force which narrow tick-boxes cannot define.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
1) Someone had an idea!
2) It is just petty to suggest this idea might be wrong. You're jealous and close-minded.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (2)
1) I have an opinion.
2) I am entitled to my opinion.
5) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (3)
1) My opinion is that homeopathy works.
2) If I disagree with your opinion, that is my right.
3) If you disagree with my opinion, that is persecution.
4) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (4)
1) We felt really intimidated by the mean-spirited Ten23 protest.
2) We didn't even dare unfurl our banner.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

ARGUMENT FROM INCREDULITY
1) I can't believe the placebo effect would work on animals and children.
2) Apparently it does, but I don't believe that.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM INCREDULITY (2)
1) If it's harmless and doesn't work, why are they attacking it?
2) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

ARGUMENT FROM THE LIMITATIONS OF SCIENCE
1) I don't understand the science of homeopathy, but once upon a time we didn't understand electricity either.
2) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM PERSONAL PREFERENCE
1) I don't like what skeptics say.
2) Therefore, skeptics must be narrow-minded.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM PERSONAL PREFERENCE (2)
1) I don't like skeptics.
2) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM HISTORY
1) Galileo was persecuted for his belief that the Earth revolved around the Sun.
2) The fact that Galileo had deduced this with experiments rather than simply thought it up, while the Church was the source of unreasoned faith, is far too complex a matter to understand and you are simply picking holes in my argument because you have no ideas of your own.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM DIGNITY
1) Skeptics ask why water does not remember poo.
2) That is a very undignified question.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

ARGUMENT FROM DISLIKE OF SCIENCE
1) Double-blind randomised trials make it clear that homeopathy does not work.
2) Well, they must be wrong.
3) And I don't like science anyway.
4) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM MIRACLES
1) Homeopathy cured my auntie of cancer.
2) She took chemotherapy and had an operation too, but she didn't like either of them and it can't have been that, chemo contains nasty chemicals.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM ALLIES
1) Skeptics don't like chiropractors either.
2) Poor chiropractors.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM SMUGNESS
1) The Ten23 campaigners are only proving their own ignorance by overdosing.
2) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

THE OPPOSITION ARGUMENT
1) I read in an article that skeptics approve of GM food and think 6 month old babies can survive 900 vaccinations in one go.
2) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

THE THEORETICAL ARGUMENT
1) Skeptics claim to be the guardians of universal truth.
2) Those of us who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

THE THEORETICAL ARGUMENT (2)
1) Our bodies are designed to heal themselves.
2) Excuse me? Are you saying that deaths of starvation mean homeopathy doesn't work?
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

THE MORAL ARGUMENT
1) We went all the way to Haiti to treat earthquake victims with homeopathy.
2) Wasn't that nice of us?
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

THE ROYAL ARGUMENT
1) The Royal Family use homeopathy.
2) They have very long lives.
3) And they must be right. They're the Royal Family!
4) What? Of course they don't live longer due to other causes as well. Don't try to sidetrack my point.
5) Therefore, homeopathy works.

THE POLITICAL ARGUMENT
1) Politicians such as Evan Harris are losing votes by their bad behaviour attacking homeopathy.
2) We know he's wrong because he's a politician.
3) Politicians such as David Tredinnick are doing a great deal of good in the face of a difficult Parliament.
4) We know he's right because he's a politician.
5) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM THE TOILET
1) The water in your toilet is different in more ways than in chemical composition than water out of a spring.
2) You need me to explain that?!?!?! HA HA HA HA HA YOU ARE SO IGNORANT!
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

ARGUMENT FROM HUMOUR
1) We can make a lot of claims about skeptics, that will make you laugh until your throat is sore!
2) For example, they believe pregnancy is a disease, think people should be vaccinated, and don't know the difference between LIVING and DEAD FOOD!!!!!!!!
3) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
4) Actually, some skeptics are laughing at you for saying that.
5) But of course they are. They have nothing real to laugh at because they live such miserable lives.
6) Of course they will deny their stupidities, once said stupidities are exposed.
7) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

THE CONSISTENCY ARGUMENT
1) Sometimes skeptics change their minds.
2) THEY RETRACT THEIR VIEWS!!!
3) THEY ADMIT THEY WERE WRONG!!!!!!
4) Therefore, homeopathy works.

THE HARMLESSNESS ARGUMENT
1) Nobody died as a result of the Ten23 protest.
2) This only goes to show that homeopathy is not dangerous, like conventional medicine.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

THE LEGAL ARGUMENT
1) Simon Singh is being sued for libel.
2) He must be a malicious liar.
3) Homeopaths are being criticised and mocked and defamed.
4) We must be right; truth is always attacked.
5) Therefore, homeopathy works.

THE ARGUMENT FOR "NATURE" (AND IGNORANCE)
1) Homeopathy is natural.
2) What, it isn't herbal?
3) Well, it was invented 200 years ago.
4) My mind's made up. Don't confuse me with facts.
5) Therefore, homeopathy works.

THE ECONOMIC ARGUMENT
1) Homeopathy saves the NHS money.
2) It also doesn't make drugs companies a profit (unless of course they're the same drugs companies that manufacture conventional drugs).
3) Therefore, drugs companies say homeopathy doesn't work.
4) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

THE SCIENTIFIC ARGUMENT
1) ΨPPR = a ΨPx + b ΨPr + c ΨRx.
2) There you are - serious science!
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

THE WILL OF THE MAJORITY ARGUMENT
1) Show your support for homeopathy! Please retweet!
2) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

THE NUMERICAL ARGUMENT
1) Only three MPs have so far signed the so-called "evidence check" on homeopathy!
2) That is disgraceful.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

GODWIN'S LAW ARGUMENT
1) I don't understand why homeopathy is being attacked.
2) It must be something to do with Hitler.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

And finally, a masterpiece of beautiful, logical thinking by one of my new Twitter followers . . .

ARGUMENT FROM CONSTIPATION
1) Skeptics are constipated.
2) How I think I know about their bowel movements and indeed why I concern myself with such things is an undignified question.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

Thanks to Captsharkey, Batarista and Medtek for pointing me to specific sources, and many highly amusing websites and comments pages I've been enjoying myself over the last couple of months!

Please point me in the direction of any more sources or arguments - and you know what I'd really love? For this to become a chain e-mail.

Update 1: Very many thanks to @FerFrias on Twitter for this wonderful translation - and Menéame, a Spanish website, for bringing in más tráfico!

FerFrias wrote two more "reasons". How I could have failed to include the latter I don't know. Here they are:

ARGUMENTO DE LA REPUGNANCIA FÍSICA
1) No me gusta tu cara, así que no pienso escucharte.
2) Luego la homeopatía funciona.
(Fuente)

ARGUMENTO DE LA FAMA
1) Algunos famosos utilizan la homeopatía.
2) Obviamente, los famosos saben sobre la salud mucho más que los simples médicos y científicos.
3) Luego la homeopatía funciona.
(Fuente)

This means:

ARGUMENT FROM PHYSICAL REPUGNANCE
1) I don't like your face, so I don't have to listen.
2) Therefore, homeopathy works.

ARGUMENT FROM FAME
1) Some famous people use homeopathy.
2) Obviously, celebrities know far more about medicine than doctors and scientists.
3) Therefore, homeopathy works.

Right on!!!

PS again - This has now appeared on at least 4 Spanish websites and at least one German one. Thanks to all of you and I hope you were suitably entertained. You can now download a Spanish translation as a PDF file here!


Update 2: 17th January 2011

KERRYHOMEOPATH'S ARGUMENT
1) Your brain is 80% water.
2) You remember stuff.
3) Therefore, water has a memory.
4) Therefore, homeopathy works.
(Source)

SkepticBarista's reply: .@KerryHomeopath Excrement is 75% water. If Water has memory,#homeopathy is full of shit.
TimandraHarknes's reply: Beer is 93% water. I drink beer, I remember nothing. Therefore homeopathy cannot work.

Update 3: 23rd September 2011

ARGUMENT FROM GAIAHEALTH (WHICH THINKS IT UNDERSTANDS CERN)

1) CERN proves the speed of light is not the universal speed limit.

2) We'll just ignore the fact that this is not peer reviewed, nor published, nor certain rather than an error.

3) And hide that by accusing skeptics of ignoring studies that are . . . yes, flawed.

4) Therefore, homeopathy works.

(Source)

PPS - I originally wrote this at the top, but is has become quite secondary so can go at the bottom.

"It's been a good few weeks for the skeptics. Although we're still awaiting the outcome of Simon's appeal, it was much enjoyed by Jack of Kent, Crispian Jago, Index on Censorship, Skepticat, Jack in fun mode, and many more. You can read the entire transcript of the appeal here on Jack's website. I have read the beginning and end and a great deal awaits my untrained brain. It reminds me of a play in some parts. Perhaps it should become a play, performed perhaps at the Tricycle Theatre whose production of "Called to Account" I shall never forget?

"In the meantime, it's also been an enraging few weeks for, I think, the homeopaths even more than the chiropractors. The recent Evidence Check on homeopathy has not been good news for them. Spies inform the Twitterverse that a mass Twitter attack is on the way [NB. In fairness to all, I did not observe this in the end. But if it was homeopathic, I wouldn't have] . . . so I thought it time to hurry up and publish an especially nasty idea my mean-spirited nerdy brain had nurtured for a few days - inspired by Godless Geeks (health warning: you will either love this last link or hate it; I think you can work out which from the name)."