Crisptrals

This all just came to me whilst making myself a ham and cheese omelette . . .

VOICEOVER: Following defeat at the Castle of Common Sense, each of the chiropractors rode their separate ways. Sir Chiro rode north, through the dark forest of Suing, accompanied by his favourite Crisptrals.

CRISPTRALS: Bravely bold Sir Chiro rode forth from BCA
He is not afraid to lose, oh, brave Sir Chiro!
He is not at all afraid to be mocked in nasty ways
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Chiro.

He was not in the least bit scared to be argued to a pulp
Nor to lose the public's trust, and his accounts broken
To have McTimoney split and his e-mails all on show
And his lawyer's subluxations, brave Sir Chiro!

The skeptics laugh and the public look
At the evidence, trials and our Singh's great book
And the spotlight on all the stupid claims
They make -

SIR CHIRO: That's, errrrr, that's enough music for now, lads, it looks like dirty skeptics at work.

They pick their way uncomfortably through a forest of bogus evidence. At one point they see DENNIS and the laboratory woman cleaning up the mess.

DENNIS: But anarchy in science is a way of preserving freedom!

WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. This paper 'ere is rubbish.

SIR CHIRO is so busy looking left to right and back to left again, he fails to see the THREE-HEADED SKEPTIC in front of him!

THREE-HEADED SKEPTIC: HALT!!!!!!!!!!

SIR CHIRO staggers to a stop, his eyes bulging.

THREE-HEADED SKEPTIC: WHO GOES THERE?

CRISPTRALS: He is brave Sir Chiro, brave Sir Chiro -

SIR CHIRO: (to CRISPTRALS) Shut up! (to THREE-HEADED SKEPTIC) Errrrrr, errrrr, nobody really, just a salesman!

THREE-HEADED SKEPTIC: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

CRISPTRALS: To claim, claim . . .

SIR CHIRO: (to CRISPTRALS) Shut up!! (to THREE-HEADED SKEPTIC) Oh, er, nothing really, just - just trying to get into the medical business, good sir skeptic!

THREE-HEADED SKEPTIC: I'M AFRAID NOT!

SIR CHIRO: Ah - er. W-well, actually, I am a knight of the Spinal Patients.

THREE-HEADED SKEPTIC:: YOU'RE A KNIGHT OF THE SPINAL PATIENTS?

SIR CHIRO: I am!

HEAD 1 (who turns out to be Simon Perry): In that case I shall have to report you.

HEAD 2 (who turns out to be Zeno): Shall I?

HEAD 3 (who turns out to be Jack of Kent): Oh I don't think so.

ZENO: Well, what do I think?

SIMON: I think report him.

JACK: Oh, let's see if he can use any science.

ZENO: Oh shut up.

SIMON: Perhaps -

ZENO: And you.

SIMON: Oh, quick, get the Advertising Standards out, I want to take his website down.

JACK: Oh, take your own website down!

ZENO: Yes, do us all a favour.

SIMON: What?

JACK: Typing on all the time.

ZENO: You're lucky, you're not next to him.

SIMON: (outraged) What do you mean?!

ZENO: You write billions of tedious letters.

SIMON: Oooooh, I don't - and anyway, you write bad tweets.

ZENO: Well, it's only because you don't join Think Humanism.

JACK: Oh, stop bipping and let's go and have tea!

SIMON: All right, all right, all right. We'll report him first and then have tea and biscuits.

ZENO: Yes.

JACK: Oh not biscuits.

SIMON: All right, all right, none of the biscuits, but let's report him anyway!

JACK AND ZENO (to each other): Right.

They look around.

SIMON: He buggered off.

JACK: So he doesn't have any evidence.

CRISPTRALS: Brave Sir Chiro ran away.

SIR CHIRO: No!

CRISPTRALS: Cherry-picked away, away!

SIR CHIRO: I didn't!

CRISPTRALS: When science reared its curious head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
Yes, Brave Sir Chiro turned about
And gallantly went to the court
To use the libel laws instead -

SIR CHIRO: I never did!

CRISPTRALS: He beat a very brave retreat -

SIR CHIRO: All lies!

CRISPTRALS: - from sci--ence!

SIR CHIRO: I never!

(Related posts: The Back Knight; The Back Knight's Mentor; The Back Knight's First Practical)