Friday, 1 April 2011

My New Theory!

Dear all, I wish to announce an extremely important change to this blog, and to my life as a science communicator. First of all, I scrap this science communicator nonsense. They keep telling us that anyone can do science and I did experiments at school 'cause I was forced to in lessons so first and foremost I am a SCIENTIST and I have made DISCOVERIES and anyone who says otherwise is clearly either just gullible or in the pay of selfish academics who want to keep everything for themselves.

I have long had a problem with the lie that is relativity. Check it out for yourself! One minute these boffins are telling you that there is no force called gravity, that it is merely the curvature of spacetime. Next they say that it is a force but it is much smaller than the other forces, clearly ignoring black holes. By "they", well actually I've only heard it from Brian Cox, who was so mean about that most ancient and best proven science, astrology. And then they bring in this idea of tiny particles called "gravitons". How do you need gravitons if gravity is just curving space? As if you can curve nothing. Don't be stupid.

And don't get me started on Dark Matter. They can't even agree on what it is. One minute they say there's all this stuff around our galaxy that changes something to do with the rotation. Then they come up with all these other stupid ideas like MOND, which sounds more like a fashion item than science to me. If science is about making discoveries, why aren't all scientists in agreement with each other? They just want to keep up the pretence of still disagreeing so it doesn't look like they're all one obessive hive minded communist league. And to get funding for silly things like CERN, which recreate conditions from a time that never happened in the first place, when our money could be going to useful things!

It only requires a little thought. Gravitons are particles to do with gravity. When there's lots of matter around, they cluster round the matter or something, and they show gravity. But what if there isn't much stuff around? Like outside galaxies. Well maybe there's still lots of gravitons there. Just because galaxies are clumped together doesn't mean everything else has to be. (I mean, look at the way everyone's expected to be the same.)

So obviously that is what causes galaxies to rotate in a funny way. There's loads of gravitons about the place at the edge of galaxies, looking for a home. So scrap your stupid mathematical models - maths is only a way of intimidating people anyway, it doesn't mean anything - and get promoting my idea for what things are really all about. There's plenty of evidence, just look!

A representation of dark matter in the Bullet Cluster. Read more on Discovery Magazine and BangUniverse.

I would delete all the other stupid gullible posts from this blog that was really just me uncritically swallowing all the rubbish scientists had told me, but I thought I'd let them serve as a warning to you all.

P.S. In other news, skepticism has finally been acknowledged as just another cult, UK Uncut are going to become a political party, and you might see two dentist-requiring Suns in the sky any day now.


Chris said...

Scarily convincing.

djj said...

Who do these post-Newtonians think they are, anyway? Isaac would have sent them all to the gallows for forgery.

Jonathan said...

Thanks, Alice, and please don't forget about perpetual motion! I'll sleep better tonight knowing that the scales have fallen from your eyes (aka LankyYankee) :-)

A said...

Hey Alice, interesting theory!

Just so you know I've featured you in a post on my blog:

It's basically a list of blogs people can use when they should be revising and need a break but want to keep in the mood of the subject they ought to be studying

Alice said...

Hi A, just checking you know this was an April Fool's Day post? ;-)